how much do you know about yourself?

It must have been good 12years ago. I remember being totally turned off by a girl who is always easily overwhelmed by her emotions and decides things based on her emotional experience. On the other side, I always find myself being drawn to people who have sharp acumen, have a pursuit for literature and music, also somewhat reserved. Therefore my choice of friends are not so much of comedians on stage nor standing out ones but refined and relatively quiet ones with qualities slash integrities and a little bit of quirkiness.

It was a painful moment in my life to find out I was in the same category as the girl I often shook my head off.-ENPF. It was shocking realisation to me about the way I have been perceiving human relationships. She was no difference to me. It's just that my thinking indicator was a little bit higher than her feeling indicator but basically our attitudes of approaching things were similar. I also remember being amazed to see how much I was drawn to the particular types by looking at individuals who sat together by categories in the room.

Looking back, it was very refreshing and rather positive. I saw the benefits of this study by taking a step back and pondering the relationship between individuals and my reactions to the relationships to them.

Now repeating this test, I am INPF. Of course people change and I am glad that I have changed.

Are you interested in finding out what type you are from this MBTI test? Try it and let me know what type you are!

worst June ever

According to the news, mansfield is under one of the severe flood warning areas now and locals are advised to stay at home.

But Matt & I were determined to go to the gym after we lost ourselves on largers and pizzas last weekend.

Casually driving through the town, I couldn't believe how badly roads were flooded. we had to try 3 different routes to get to our gym and finally parked near the gym and walked through corned off roads. mind you, rain downpoured this whole month as if there were holes in the sky. (what was heatwave-anytime-now forecast all about?)

I guess this summer weather in Britain will definately make my trip to Korea worth money. plus good old friends will be there to greet me this time. one of my best mates who didn't stay in contact with me is in Seoul for a month and a few good friends who I spent most of my 20s together are in Seoul. It's just a shame that I won't be able to see my best best mate who cut me out of her life after I missed the meeting with her during my short stay in korea last summer. well,,, thinking about it, it has been almost 7 and a half years since I came over to UK. Beside food, one thing I miss terribly by living here is being around friends and feeling connected. It is proven to be difficult here to make friends unless one went to school with them. Maybe,, I am living in the past too much? If I am going to live here for the forseeable future, I'd better be moving on,, at least I have 2 or 3 english friends who are absolutely lovely. But for now,, I'd rather wax nostalgia for a bit longer. when I go back to korea this time,, I will be doing sun bathing for the first time in korean beach (very excited actually) and going completely wild at club with a bunch of my younger ex colleagues, then coming down with my church friends over dinner, weaving in and out of plays, exhibitions in Dae Hak Ro, taking video clips on the house I grew up and that always appears in my dreams, my uni etc. oh, I am definitely buying Eun Hee Kyoung's new novel as well (this woman is genius) matt will be with his friends at beach pretty much for 2 and a half weeks and we will see each other every now and again somewhere in seoul and sokcho (sounds weird for couple on hols doesn't it haha) during my stay.I just can not wait till I get there and feel my country again.

my favourite evening.. drinking wine and listening to chicago.. very loud

You know our love was meant to be

the kind of love that lasts forever.

And I want you here with me

from tonight until the end of time.

You should know everywhere I go

Always on my mind in my heart in my soul baby.You're the meaning in my life

you're the inspiration.

You bring feeling to my life

you're the inspiration.

Wanna have you near me

I wanna have you hear me sayin'

No one needs you more than I need you.

And I know yes I know that it's plain to see

So in love when we're together.

Now I know that I need you here with me

From tonight until the end of time.

You should know

everywhere I go

Always on my mind

you're in my heartin my soul.

You're the meaning in my life.

you're the inspiration. . . .

Wanna have you near me

I wanna have you hear me sayin'

No one needs you more than I need you.

You're the meaning in my life

you're the inspiration.

You bring feeling to my life

you're the inspiration.

When you love somebody 'til the end of time

When you love somebodyalways on my mind

No one needs you more than I.

When you love somebody 'til the end of time. . .

Whenyoulove somebody 'til the end of time. . .

you are the inspiration by chicago

To those who need this

I guess I thought you'd be here forever
Another illusion I chose to create
You don't know what you got until it's gone
And I found out just a little too late
I was acting as if you were lucky to have me
Doing you a favor I hardly knew you were there
But then you were gone
and it was all wrong
Had no idea how much I cared

Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I don't want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
It's the hardest thing to take
I'm addicted to ya babe
You're a hard habit to break
You found someone else you had every reason
You know I cant blame you for runnin to him
Two people together but living aloneI was spreading my love too thin
After all of these years
I'm still tryin to shake it
Doing much better
they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night
It's an endless flight
I can't get ya out of my mind

Being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
I don't want to Being without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting any easier
It's the hardest thing to take
I'm addicted to you
You're a hard habit to break

This might sound cheezy to some but for me it breaks my heart. it always does.

suppose, one needs to invest

£2.00 per week 52weeks a year, is it worth it? you do the math
but the joy from the winning is priceless.

June 2007 Project

Now that Matt & I have finished decorating our study, I regret not having taken a photo of the room prior to decoration. Just imagine a yellow painted room with thin peach carpet, one single bed and a computer desk, a few shelves... now immaculately painted walls that are light green with white trim, light brown cushy carpet, matched lamp shades that give you eastern touch, more importantly books we collected and have read!

feel like studying here now

Is there any meaning or justice in the cosmos?

Matt and I went down to Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's home town to watch King Lear by Royal Shakespeare Company last Thursday.

Not having read King Lear, I was quite interested in watching Sir Ian McKellen playing the old king.

After watching 3-hour-long and intensive play I could not shake off the feeling that I was the King Lear standing in the heath and looking for the answer.

It is amazing what plays can do to people.

Everybody has his or her own way to fulfil inner world, the feelings of existence. some go to pubs for encounters and drinks, others stare at TV waiting for the moments but we go and watch plays.

If you don't know what's on other side, you never feel that you missed out on something.

I was told off by taking this photo on my phone and matt seemed a bit embarrassed but me being korean, I wanted to capture the shot of beautiful courtyard theare.

being mediocre at such a young age

지금도 기억나는 곳, 분이와 내가 다니던 마포구 연남동 사슴유치원.삼십여명 사생들중에서 분이는 가장 똑똑한 아이로 인정을 받던 아이였다. 왜 그랬는지는 모르겠지만 나를 포함한 모두가 분이에게는 지고 들어갔고 흔쾌히 주도권을 넘겨주었다. 졸업식 준비로 들떠있던 시기였다. 졸업식 때 나의 역활은 식을 이끄는 사회자. 말하자면 넘버 투. 어린 나이였지만 나는 선생님이 나에게 그 역활을 줄 꺼라는 것을 미리 알고 있었다. 극중의 천사역활은 어김없이 분이역이었다. 그 또한 7살난 나에겐 어렵지 않은 계산으로 짐작가능한 결론이었다. 타인의 탁월함이 나의 자신의 한계선을 뚜렷이 그어주었던 경험. 아마도 그 때가 가장 어렸을 때의 기억인거 같다. 나에게는 한계를 인정한다는 것은 쉬운일이 아니다. 더욱이 인정 받기 위해서 노력해온 삼십평생을 살아온 나에게는 말이다. 오뚝이처럼 사는것이 미덕이 되어있는 한국사회에서 인정받는 다는 것은 어려움을 헤치고 힘든 목표를 성취하는 것인데 얼마나 많은 좌절을 통해가야 하는 하는 걸까.깊이 남아있는 유치원 때의 한계의식은 벽에 부딪칠 때마다 되돌아오는 보이지 않는 화살이 되어버렸다.

2005.06.18 08:51 from my cyworld

은희경씨의 비밀과 거짓말을 읽고서

비밀과 거짓말...
비밀과 거짓말이 진실보다 더 의미가 있는 거라면, 많은 사람들이 동의할만큼 신빙성이 느껴지는 거라면 진실보다 더 진실한것이 아닐까라는 은희경씨의 사유..

마지막 챕터를 접하기 까지 이책은 나에게 있어서 끝내야 하는 숙제 같은 느낌을 주었다. 주인공의 현재의 삶에 끊임없이 영향력을 미치고 있는 7,80년대의 한국사회상이 얽혀있는 이책이 읽는 나에게 맘을 편치않게 하는 구석이 있었던 것이 사실이기 때문이다.

'나는 삶을 너무 빨리 완성했다' '열두살이후 나는 성장할 필요가 없었다.'
이 두문장은 은희경씨의 초기 작품들에서 뿜어나오는 삶에 대한 냉소를 느낄수 있게 해주는 압축된 표현이다. 언니가 사다놓은 은희경씨의 타인에게 말걸기라는 책을 우연히 집어 읽기 시작한 뒤로 은희경씨의 열렬한 독자가 되어버린 나는 매권 그녀의 새책을 끊낼 때마다 삶을 바라보는 작가의 태도에 공감과 존경이 뒤섞인 감탄을 하지 않을 수 없다.

삶에 합의된 가치에 대한 도전과 냉소, 주체적인 삶에 대한 의지를 지닌 자아와 타인의 시선속에 안전한 도박만을 선택하는 자아사이의 거리감을 보여주는 소설들이 나의 20대의 삶을 신랄하게 보여주는 느낌이 들어 섬뜩하게 다가왔다. 은희경의 소설을 읽지 않고 세상을 살았다고 할수 있을까? 읽었다 하더라도 그녀의 주인공들의 삶과 사유를 이해하지 못하거나 공감하지 못하는 사람들은 세상의 합의된 가치틀을 자신의 가치틀로 받아들이고 사는 사람들이겠지?

'사십을 넘긴지가 언제인데 이제야 비로소 유치한 장식이 잔뜩 달린 채로 빛이 바랜, 청춘이라는 무거운 외출복을 벗어놓은 느낌이 든다. 이제는 늙어갈 수 있을 것 같다'

은희경씨의 작가후기를 읽으면서 공감이 깊이 되는 나를 보며 나도 이제 나이가 들어가나보다라는 생각이 들기도 했구 내자신도 나의 아이들에게 이런 멋있는 엄마가 될수 있다면 얼마나 좋을까 하는 부러운 생각도 들었다.

예전에는 창작이라는 것을 가치있게 보지 않았었다. 그러나 몇몇 좋아하는 영화감독과 작가들이 생기면서 더우기는 문학을 공부하면서 그들이 바라보는 관점이나 생각들을 남들과 공유할 수 있다는 것, 그럼으로써 다른 사람들의 삶을 정서적으로 깊고 풍만하게 해줄 주 있다는 것이 얼마나 가치 있는 일인지, 머리속을 빙빙도는 촛점맞지 않는 느낌과 생각들을 글로써 정확하게 표현한다는것이 얼마나 굉장한 일인지 새삼 비교할 수 없을 정도로 가치있게 느껴지고 있다.

내주위에는 내 인생에는 이런 사람들이 필요하다. 나의 생각과 관점, 감정들까지도 확인해 줄 수 있는 사람들이 필요하다. 그래서 글을 쓰는 matt이 사랑스럽다.

2006.10.04 07:37 from my cyworld